MARGARET BENSHOOF-HOLLER

The rebel daughter and her mom

SAN FRANCISCO May 8, 1994 -- EVERY relationship in your life reflects your relationship with your father and mother, someone told me back in 1980.

Outside of '60s forces and the American culture, I attribute some of who I am to my German, Spanish and Irish heritage. I credit a lot to my father and stepfather. But mostly, I am a product of my mother.

Simone de Beauvoir wrote in "The Second Sex" that the rebellious daughter is the result of a dominant mother. Perhaps that's why I have lived most of my life counter to my mother's wishes.

"Even when you were a little girl, you used to slap my hands when I tried to help you walk across the street," she said. "You have always had to do your own thinking."

My mother was married at age 17. My sisters followed suit, marrying young. I chose a different route.

My mother was aghast when I, as a hippie in the early '70s, dropped out to face the unknown on a farm with no plumbing or heat.

In the '80s, when I chose to live in Indonesia, Sweden and Spain, my mother reminded me, " A rolling stone gathers no moss."

For most of my adult life, she's been hoping I will settle down and live the American dream.

My mother is a product of pioneering women. My grandmother and great-grandmother came west in a covered wagon. My mother grew up during the Depression in Wyoming, where she learned how to make do with very little. These women brought their daughters up to be practical, responsible and solid.

Even though my mother sought her strength in religion, she has never been just a "handmaiden of the Lord." Though for most of her life she was dependent on a man, she made the crucial economic delcisions in our family.

Though my mother and I have followed different routes, she in the home and I out in the world, we are not so very different.

As I accept my mother, the gap between us grows smaller. As I understand her better, my relationship with my daughter gets better and better. So I work to honor my relationship with my mother.